Hey everybody! Merle’s back! (about fuggin’ time –ed.) Yep, that’s right. After a long time off, I’m back to write about all the wonderful shit that makes me happy. It’s something I love to do, but in this day and age, a lot of times what makes me happy, makes everyone else upset.

By “everyone else” I mean a small, tiny percentage of the population. Well that tiny percentage of the population can fuck right off. I’m a middle-aged, red-blooded, straight male and guess what; I think women are attractive. I like to see them in skimpy outfits. That’s why I’m tickled down to my pinky toe to see that XPN Junkie moved over to the Paintball Pinups of Texas. Not only are these ladies a bunch of badasses on the paintball field, but they aren’t afraid to admit that there are certain… qualities… a female brings to the equation.

I dabbled in paintball back in my younger days. Nothing serious, just here or there on the weekend, every once in a while, using the gear they supplied at the field. And it was a sausage-fest. I mean let’s not kid ourselves, it was fun to sit and bullshit with our buddies, but seeing Daryl walk around in his tighty-not-so-whities wasn’t my personal idea of a great view. I’d much rather watch a pinup walk around in her own tighty-whities, and if society could ever reach a point where they could both be walking around the field in their undergarments of choice, that’s a society I can get behind.

Alas, our society seems to be traveling backwards. Hollywood (the voice of the common folk) is more contradictory than they’ve ever been, forcing an agenda that nobody ever asked for. They give us horrible movies, trying to cram their horribly written message down our throats, then get mad that we don’t pay to go see those horrible movies.

And they blame us men for not wanting to see movies with a strong female lead.

Bullshit.

I’m as red-blooded as it gets. I was a kid in the 80’s, when testosterone-driven movies like Rambo and terrible B-movie schlock like Commando were everyday fare. Sure, we had titty-flicks like Joysticks and raunchy comedies like Porky’s, but we also had movies like The Terminator. We had movies like Alien. We had cartoons like The Secret of NIMH. (Yeah, bet you thought I wasn’t going there, huh?) We had strong female leads in every facet of entertainment, and we loved it. Yet WE (us middle-aged, straight white guys) are all of a sudden afraid of a strong female lead? Fuck you, we were raised on them.

We had movies like I Spit On Your Grave long before some weiner in skinny-jeans decided to remake it for the fifth time and call it “powerful.”

We had strong female leads in science fiction long before Kathleen Kennedy came along and fucked up Star Wars.

We had the Swedish Bikini Team. We had the Miller Light Girls. We had television shows like Baywatch. Hell, the best years of my teenage life were spent watching Baywatch. There’s even a PlutoTV channel dedicated to that show if you youngsters want to see what life was like before the entire country had a stick up its ass.

The thing was, sex appeal was everywhere. It wasn’t just limited to women, guys showed their share of skin as well, and it was great. Sure, some people had a problem with it (the aforementioned tiny percentage) but those people will have a problem with anything. It’s something we’re becoming all too aware of nowadays. The thing is, back in the day, when these people bitched and moaned about something stupid, everyone told them to sit down and shut it. But then, at some point in our recent history, someone said “ok.” They conceded. And that opened the fucking floodgates. Now, anyone who has even the slightest grief over anything feels entitled to be acknowledged. To be comforted. To have their imaginary wrong “righted.”

Now look, I’m not blind, and I’m not ignorant. There are definitely positive changes being made in a lot of regards, and social media can be a powerful force for a common good. But I can guarantee you none of that shit’s coming out of Hollywood. Their method of “forced acceptance,” (that’s what I call it) by shoving this shit down our throat and then getting mad when we spit it back up again, doesn’t work. But they’ll never admit it. They’ll just blame their failures on us. Forced acceptance isn’t acceptance, it’s compliance. You can’t make somebody like something. You can’t take something beloved, like Ghostbusters, then give us a shitty, inferior, poorly written and thinly-veiled social agenda and whine when we don’t buy it. If it’s good, people will like it. It’s just that simple.

But I’m going off on a tangent. The purpose of Merle’s Junk Food here is to celebrate the fun stuff. Sure, I’ll do my bitching and moaning from time to time, but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum. For now, though, let’s have some good old, Grade-A, un-filtered fun. I’m looking forward to it.

Until next time, Merle out.