Oh, Nintendo. How I’d love to personally tell you to go fuck yourself. Not on the internet, or via social media. I mean in person. I would love to literally ask Doug Bowser and whoever the head honchos are in Japan exactly why they can’t seem to pull their heads out of their asses.
Maybe there were technical limitations, or maybe it was an “artistic” (read: shitty) decision, but Nintendo decided to keep on with the tradition of having -nay, forcing- everyone who plays on a single console to share a city, or in the case of New Horizons, an island.
I was going to get this game for my wife. She loooooooved Stardew Valley, so I figure it would be a nice little gift for her. She’s not a big gamer, but she loves those little sim-type games, and she can get serious about them. I mean, real serious. Serious to the point where if someone, i.e. “me,” were to invade her little patch of paradise and start fucking around, all hell would literally break loose.
We don’t game at the same time. Nor do we really want to. I’m a hardcore gamer, and she’s the opposite. I think it’s why we work so well as a couple. I discovered what it’s like to live with… well, me… when she was in the dark, dark depths of Stardew addiction. And it was startling.
Still, I like to get her games from time to time that I know she’ll enjoy so that we can have a tidbit of gaming conversation around the dinner table. Hence I was really, really looking forward to Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I wanted this game to be our next common thread, badly.
Until I read today that Nintendo is being the same old fucking stupid Nintendo and only allowing one island per console. Why? I get how this might have worked back in the days of the Gamecube and such, where profiles weren’t really a thing yet, but in this day and age, people are used to having their own set of save files. They like having their shit compartmentalized. And it makes no fucking sense. It’s classic Nintendo.
They might want us to “share” but in true Nintendo fashion, they’re not giving the gamers a choice. I can tell you right now, right here and now, that if we were sharing an island, and I logged in and accidentally harvested something, or sold something, or did any fucking thing whatsoever that impacted “our” town/island/farm, there could very well be some hell to pay.
If there was one thing I learned back in her Farmville days, it’s that you don’t fuck with her farm. Even if that just means arranging her chickens and garden gnomes around to make it look like they’re having a cock fight while she’s at work. You just don’t do it. Apparently Nintendo thinks of the children (yeah, like they’re the ones playing these fucking things), but they don’t seem to give a single solitary fuck about marriage. They also seem to think people want to share. Some do, and some definitely don’t. In the end, it should be their choice. I mean, the gamers are the ones forking out sixty damn dollars for a game, at least let them decide how to play it. In this day and age, there’s no reason or excuse other than Nintendo’s own narrow-mindedness. For a company so creative, so innovative, they make some of the most head-pounding decisions I’ve ever seen. Two steps forward, one step back. The Nintendo way.
The thing that makes it that much more frustrating is that I know deep down that it’s probably going to be a great game. But if I want to enjoy it, I might have to sit down with the wife and have a conversation. An actual compromise. About a video game. We’re gonna have to divide up responsibilities and draw some lines in the sand like we’re going to through a damn divorce. But hey, at least I’ll get to live in my own little virtual house after she kicks me the fuck out.
This game just went from #1 on my wish list to #1 on my shit list. I’m tempted to make it the first Rant-astic! article based on a game that I’ve not only never played, but one that hasn’t even come out yet! (edit– As you can see, I did).
So congratulations, Nintendo, you managed to get two “firsts” out of me. One, you made me rant on a game that doesn’t yet exist to the general public. And two, you made me post twice in a single day. And that is unforgiveable.
