I just finished (“finished”) Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, after over a year of playing it off and on, and about a month of playing it religiously. And I feel like I’ve emerged from a virtual cave in Hamtunshire, blinking in the sunlight and cursing the gods for the time I spent pillaging and plundering, hacking and slashing, flyting and Assassin-ing.

Over a hundred and fifty hours spent in the world of Valhalla, and goodness gracious that’s a long time to spend grinding away in a game like that. Ubisoft truly has outdone themselves in the Ubi-verse, creating a game map that was so big, yet so underwhelming that they needed to Inception themselves by having Eivor go to sleep and “dream” of the mythical realm of Asgard and yet even more Viking-related drama to grind through.

I didn’t even finish that part of the game.

With my playtime ballooning ridiculously, with no end in sight, I had to set aside my gamer OCD (that is, completing each zone before moving on to the next) and just beeline the main quest. I was afraid, quite legitimately, that if I didn’t, I would never see it through.

So I put my nose to the grindstone and punished myself, for a few hours each night, every night, for a few weeks, in order to wrap it up and finally toss it into the Backlog Barbecue for good.
And it almost broke me.

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla is terribly, terribly boring. That’s not hyperbole. I put in over a hundred and fifty hours before I finally said “enough.” If I hadn’t, and continued to play the game as a completionist, it could have expanded to well over two hundred hours. And that’s just too long to spend in such an dull world, with an equally dull character.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate Eivor. In my playthrough, I chose female Eivor, mainly for comparison with their last female protagonist, Kassandra. And I’m sorry, I get that Eivor is far more rugged and gritty a character, but damn she’s boring. She has a subtle, dry sense of humor, which was fine, but I think it’s just their portrayal of Viking culture as a whole that was puddle deep at best. Do we even know anything about Viking culture and personality? I don’t know. I’m not a historian. But apparently all they did was drink and kill. Because that’s all they talk about, for hundreds of hours. It was interesting at first, especially entagled with the Norse mythology. But holy shit after a hundred and fifty hours I was so exhausted by the constant “Gods this” and “Odin that” and talk of honor and death and battle. It was too much, for too long. I realize that there is far more material on the Greek and Roman culture and that it was probably far easier to give Kassandra a personality, but it wasn’t even a contest. Even in the free cross-over DLC I noticed they toned Kassandra down a bit, otherwise she would’ve completely stole the spotlight from Eivor, which would’ve been interesting considering Eivor is the main character. I did like that she brought some levity to the story though, especially when each character is a great warrior in their own rights and the contest is a bit of an ego trip for both. I can appreciate that, but after it was over, I was still left wishing Eivor was half as interesting as her Greek counterpart.
It’s a theme that carries over from Eivor the to game as a whole. The main problem with Valhalla isn’t its length, really, or even its game world. It’s that each story that accompanies each pledge is roughly the same general idea, over and over. Travel to X location, talk to Important Person, kill, mame and fetch, gain their support, and move on. Rinse and repeat this for far too long, and you have Assassin’s Creed Valhalla in a nutshell.

A story is supposed to look like mountain. A few small peaks with a large summit. You have your introduction, your catalyst, your rising action, your climax, and then your denouement/conclusion. Valhalla’s story is more of a plateau. There really isn’t much of a rising action, or a climax. The introduction of Eivor and the setup of his/her story establishes the character and the setting, but then each pledge is just a straight line, never really getting any more exciting. It just stays going in a straight line, until you reach a point where the game is like “okay that was the story” and then there’s a slight (almost nonexistant) conclusion. Since this is a “game as a service” there’s no real “end.” There’s just a point where the player decides to stop playing.

And that’s where I’m at now, at the time of this writing. I reached the point where the story is over, and I’ve decided to stop playing. I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment, nor do I feel like I actually concluded Eivor’s story.

I did all the quests, and I killed all the members of The Order, and I played through the modern day epilogue, but I still don’t know how Eivor’s grave ended up where it did. Is that DLC? Did I miss something? I don’t know, and I don’t really care to try and find out (I’ll youtube it). I was left with a sense of “well, that’s done” so I set down the controller.

Okay, I googled it, and it turns out that No, I didn’t miss anything. That’s all there is to it. That’s the story… FOR NOW.

Most of what I read was internet conjecture so take it with a grain of salt, but the rumor is that Eivor’s story will wrap up in a DLC add on. If this is true, fuck you Ubisoft. Fuck. You. Again.

Remember that time Ubisoft release a Prince of Persia game with a DLC ending? Remember that shit storm? Well it seems Ubisoft loves to re-open old wounds, releasing yet another game with no real ending. The only reason there wasn’t epic backlash this time is because nobody stuck with the fucking thing long enough to finish it. Oh, I’m sorry, “finish it.”

Well, except me, apparently.

I am saying this knowing full well that another game I’m playing at the moment, Halo Infinite, likely won’t have an ending either. But the difference is, I already know that game isn’t ending. Microsoft has made it clear under no uncertain terms that Halo will continue to grow and evolve. They’ll also make those updates either free or at least free to Game Pass subscribers. As long as I have access to the continuing saga, that’s fine.

But what Ubi did here was some sneaky underhanded bullshit and they know it. Ubi’s business practices have been shady at best over the past few years and this is no exception. Is there a lot of game here for the money? Absolutely. There’s plenty of bang for your buck, that’s not the issue. The problem is that the game is being sold as a complete product, and if you’re going to release the ending for an additional charge, then it’s not a complete product. There should be a sticker on the box that says “real ending coming later! For extra money!”

Ubisoft used to be one of my favorite developers/publishers, and I try to support them when they deserve it.

I bought Ghost Recon Breakpoint because I love Ghost Recon. But I will not buy the next Ghost Recon. I bought Far Cry 5 because I love Far Cry. But I will (likely) not buy Far Cry 6. I bought Riders Republic because they tried something fresh. Will I buy Riders Republic 2? We’ll see.

Ubisoft is stuck in a creative rut, that’s no secret. That’s not a revelation. But despite that, they have these beloved franchises stuck firmly in their grasp, and we as fans are divided between voting with our wallets and yearning to play the next “great” thing starring our favorite characters.

I am a huge fan of Splinter Cell, but I’m terrified at what their next game will be. I have zero confidence in Ubisoft at this point. Assassin’s Creed Valhalla is another nail in their virtual coffin. Sooner or later I just won’t care about anything they release.

And that’s the real shame.