Welcome to the first edition of Rated M! For this edition, I pick up where I left off with my creation of Red Son– I mean, Sonja the Red, in Conan Exiles. While I tried to write candidly about my early experiences with Sonja upon beginning the game, I figured it would be best to let Sonja speak for herself. –Merle
Greetings from the Hyborean Age. I am Sonja the Red. That is my name because I am a warrior, and I paint the ground red with my enemy’s blood. Also I have red hair.
I began my journey as an exile, staked to a post to die. The reasons? Punching a camel, fornicating with low beasts, and bribing a watchman. Lies. I’ve never punched a camel. Still, the powers that be saw fit to nail me to a beam on the broken highway, and if not for Conan, I would have died there. He set me free, and then vanished into thin air. I knew at that moment that I was destined for greater things. I also knew that if I didn’t get to water, I’d die.
That’s me, on the Broken Highway. Topless, with nothing but a loincloth to protect me. I had to find materials to make an axe and pick so that I may forage more efficiently. For the time being, clothing could wait. Besides, it was hot as shit out there.
I quickly found the river and quenched my thirst. The first priority was.. no, not clothing, but a bedroll. Rest is important, lest I find myself in the Broken Highway once again. I placed my bedroll on the side of the river, and paused briefly to salute the River God in thanks for providing me with water and a place to sleep.
Here I am, paying tribute to the River God, a god I made up at that moment because I was happy to have found water and I felt I should thank someone, so I thanked the River God. And yes, I know what you’re looking at. My time as a warrior has allowed to hone my power and strength, and as such I have developed a magnificent set of abs. You could wash many a loincloth on that stomach, and it would be quite the shame to hide such a well-defined core from the world. But alas, protection is important, and now that I had water and tools, it was time to begin reclaiming my former glory.
After slaughtering a few reptile apes and some turtle dinosaur things, I felt it was time to move on. Having learned a few skills and made myself some kinda shitty clothing, I decided to venture further North, away from the oases and burning sands and into the canyons, where I may find my way to civilization and new opportunities.
What I found was death. Lots of death. Death by exiles. Death by hyena. Death by crocodile. Death by giant terrifying spider. Death by dehydration. Death by falling. Each time I died, I awoke at my bedroll, as if waking from a nightmare, once again naked, and completely devoid of all my belongings. It wasn’t until I came across the place of my death, that I could recover what I had made. What fresh hell had befallen me? It’s as if the Gods have larger plans for me after all, and they’ll not let me rest until I fulfill them.
I was making slow progress north, until finally I made a mistake. Having picked up my bedroll with the intention of placing it further up into the canyons, I was caught off-guard by a group of them damn giant terrifying spiders. I fought valiantly, and when that didn’t work, I ran like a wee bitch. Eventually death was upon me again, but with my bedroll tucked firmly in my… wherever I carry these things, I had no place to awaken to. In a flash of light there I was again at the Broken Highway, in the very spot Conan cut me down. I was to begin my journey over again. The Gods are full of surprises!
So here I am again, back where it all began. I have to rethink my actions this time around. Perhaps it’s not in my best interests to go north after all. Maybe next time I will stick to the river, to hell with the canyons. I will visit them again someday, when I have better steel and a stronger shield. Until then, I will settle in near the river. I will build a home, and regain my strength.
And I will feast on the lizard ape men and turtle dinosaur things and stretch their hides along my walls. For I am Sonja the Red.
