Oh, Arcania, you so cray. You’re so deliciously janky, so attractively mediocre, so abundantly tongue-in-cheek that you demand my attention, even though there are other much better games to play. Yet I keep coming back. Why is that? I’m afraid I’ll never really know.

Playing this game is the interactive equivalent of watching a Roger Corman flick. I’m sure at some point in his young career, Corman actually tried making a good film. The problem was, he just wasn’t that good at it. So in order to sell his films, he filled them full of breasts. Bare, jiggling breasts. Now, approximately a thousand years later, he’s still managing to crank out films that are so legitimately horrible, you can’t help but want to watch them.

That comparison might be a bit extreme, but it’s more accurate than not.  In place of the gratuitous use of female body parts though, Arcania offers the player a generous helping of janky voice acting and almost-hideous character models, complete with a main protagonist that gets increasingly impatient at running errands as the game goes on.

And mark my words, errands you will run. Every step of the game, every quest you partake, becomes a trade-off with an NPC that can never give you what you want for free, but always asks a favor in return. It’s a cliche that will have you rolling your eyes more than once.

Arcania is one step away from being a parody of itself. It’s classic western adventure-RPG at it’s cringe inducing best. I hated loving it, and I love hating it. The game had enough problems as it was, but the HD “remaster” makes it a whole lot worse. Which is weird because, ya know, remasters are supposed to fix what was wrong with the game, not introduce new problems. Graphical glitches abound. Enemies teleport, disappearing sporadically from one position where you’re fighting and re-appearing somewhere else. Sound cuts in and out. In short, the game is a hot mess, and not in that sexy female athlete kinda way.

Then there are the legitimate design decisions, like having your character run laughably, agonizingly slow. Have you ever seen someone try to jog on a treadmill when it’s just not turned up fast enough? And they’re doing this stompy half jog, with baby steps, because if they went any faster or stepped out any further, they’d no longer be running in place? Yeah, that’s this guy. It’s painful, yet tolerable when he has his weapon sheathed, it’s agonizing when he’s got it drawn, and it’s flat-out tantrum inducing when he’s indoors. You’ll laugh while crying though, because while inside a home or “safe” place, he keeps his running animation but his speed slows to a casual walk, giving him the appearance of marching to a beat, like the brooms in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. It would enough to make someone contemplate the existence of anything Holy, if it weren’t so comical at the same time.

The game does have some good qualities though. Arcania was originally made back in 2010, so it retains some of the characteristics of its time. For example, it’s extremely straight forward and simple. Like, turn-your-brain-off simple. I know that sounds like a backhanded compliment, but in this day and age of open world epics, choices and consequences, super deep skill trees, bartering systems, vague quest objectives, etc., to have a game like Gothic tell you exactly what you need to do, and exactly where you need to go is not only nice, but it’s a welcome relief. Sometimes I just want to run forward and fight stuff.

The game doesn’t require much thought to do anything. There’s a style of fighting call Flurries that requires the player to time the button presses just right in order to chain together a series of fancy attacks, Witcher style. These attack chains use stamina, which you can level up to last longer, refill quicker, etc. Here’s the kicker though; Unlike The Witcher, where mis-timing the button press cancels out the combo, Arcania just continues to attack. Mashing the attack button will result in a slightly weaker, but unlimited stream of attacks, that don’t use any stamina! Sometimes it even results in an enemy getting caught in a stun loop where you can just wail on it endlessly until it dies.

Even the inventory system is a no-brainer, as there is no maximum limit to how much you can carry. Loot away! Ironically, it’s this consistent lack of consequence that adds to the enjoyment of the game. Sometimes I just want to run forward and fight stuff by mashing a button and looting all the things and not have to worry about it.

In closing, I’ll say this; Arcania is a great time killer if you can find it for a few bucks. It’s entertaining and easy enough to enjoy while simultaneously turning your brain off. I recommend it to anyone looking for a diversion, but go in with the knowledge that it’s just not a very good game. It has a ton of technical issues that just shouldn’t be there. If you can deal with that, there is some fun to be had.

Some things to note:
– Loot everything. There’s no consequence, except maybe a cluttered equipment screen.
– Remember to use the thumbstick to navigate the inventory. DO NOT press the D pad. Doing so will map whatever to your quick keys. Extremely frustrating.
– Watch your back. Enemies will constantly teleport behind you. This isn’t a skill the enemies have; the game will literally just remove them from one spot and place them somewhere else.
– Don’t worry about liking your character. You won’t. And he doesn’t grow on you. And his haircut stays douchey.
– You will see the same old man NPC character model about two thousand times during your playthrough. The sooner you accept it, the better.
– If you die, and the game loads your most recent save, double check it. A lot of times it won’t be your most recent save.
– If you’re of legal drinking age, play this with a friend. Possibly a drunk friend. It also helps if you’re drunk too.